Don’t Shoot the Laundry: It’s Job Security!

Many couples make a house work agreement, it being done primarily by the lady as she‘s home already because she’s busy doing the most importantly job on earth; teaching their children how to live. When the children grow and leave, she then splits the house work with her husband and she develops other skills.
John and I were late to marry and made no such arrangement but as I’ve spent more and more hours writing children’s books, and illustrating them, John has picked up the laundry and washing dishes. I very much wanted to keep those jobs! They’re quicker than writing a story, easier, and I’ve never had to worry, “Those last few loads of laundry were executed so well; I’m afraid I’ll never be able to do that AGAIN!” Last but not least i hated to give up doing the laundry because, like Buddhist making a mandella, I was afraid the universe would crumble if my towels weren’t folded “correctly”.
Yesterday, as Amy and I worked, John brought up a load of clean clothes from the basement and proudly announced he discovered something important and cleaver; if he’d finished a small load of whites he’d save them in the dryer until a small load of darks were done, then dried the two together.
Amy cautioned that as the dryer warmed them up some dark colors might bleed onto the whites. I told John I didn’t mind but he became pensive as if he was rolling his eyeballs backwards into his head. Then I said again I didn’t mind in fact I already had a white blouse with one very unique pink sleeve and I didn’t mind.
After a few more moments John told us in a tone indicating the decision was made that the problem solved. “Most of the darks are my clothes. They’ve been washed so many times they wouldn’t bleed if you shot them!”  nancymauerman.com

A Guy Falls In The Barber Shop With Glue On His Face

If a guy falls in the barber shop with glue on his face what do you get?
Perfection!
My friend, whose about my son’s age, was walking around with a face like a sign post advertising a few days growth of beard and mustache.
“What’s that?” a woman said.”Looks like you fell down in a barber shop with glue on your face.”
“I’m growing a beard.” he said. “My wife’s so happy. If she had her way I’d always have a beard a foot long so I do this periodically to please her. Men do that occasionally you know; please their wives.”
One of two other women present said, “It looks real nice but what’s wrong with pleasing wives more than periodically?”
“Wouldn’t want to do that.” he said, “They’d become use to it and unhappy.”
“Oh no we wouldn’t.” said the third woman. Then we’d get use to it and find something else for you to improve. Women are always scouting around for something they can make better and better.”
“Oh, that doesn’t sound good!” he laughed.
“That has to be good! That’s God’s plan. It’s called marriage!” she said and as the other two women agreed noisily.
The man walked off muttering, “I’m not going to win this debate; I’m out numbered.”
None of these three women actually lives this way but enough do that we all recognize the joke. I once knew an unhappy lady who answered my obvious question, “Oh I never liked him! I married him because the cosmos told me to; in order to fix him.” Lucky her; she was so busy spinning her wheels around her husband, she never had time to fix herself.nancymauerman.com

Forget A Name: Unify The Room!

In my ladies meeting this week I attempted to make a comment. I referred to what a previous woman said, added a little then I attempted to connect the two ideas to a thought just made by my best friend.
With an open hand I gently pointed to her and  said,”And as..” and I forgot her name! So I tried again, “and as…”. I was still couldn’t remember her name. But I tried a third time slowing so perhaps a word miracle might happen but no.” All I could say was, “And as…” then I topped it all off with,”.. that person back there whose name I suddenly can’t remember…”
My best friend interrupted the my crumbling point by saying “I’m SO glad I’m not the only who forgets a name.” and the entire room erupted in a conflation of noise, laughter, and confirmation.nancymauerman.com

John’s Biku

The sky’s the limit. So dig in.
If you’re fit to be tied; let yourself go.
Don’t let the cat out of the bag unless there’s something in it for you.
Feeling bad, doesn’t feel good.
Keep your chin up but watch your step.
There’s no time like the present to reminisce.
When things are looking up; don’t look down.
Rise above the downtrodden.
Reach for the stars when you’re feeling low.
Follow your dreams unless they’re nightmares.
In a heat wave cooler heads prevail.
The last time I saw Salt Lake I was in Kansas.
The high and mighty are lowlifes.
Keep your powder dry and your nose clean.
A little pain never hurt anyone.
If you can’t remember something just keep in mind it’s better than dementia.
Can you have a decent night’s sleep if you sleep in the nude?  nancymauerman.com

So Typical Of My Husband!

I ask John, “Would you bring in my sewing machine?”

He answers, “Yes, I will.”

“I see you gave our empty bottles to the Bottle Woman.”

“Yes I did.”

“Did you happen to remember to take her picture?”

“Yes, I did.”

“You’re wonderful.”

“Yes, I am.”

He’s great.

He must be related to the Great I Am.  nancymauerman.com

Point and Laugh

The Russian lady looked to be in her late eighties or well into her nineties. You’d think she’d had time to learn some manners. I handed her flowers as she pointed at my feet and laughed! I did too and walked back home.
I’ve talked to many of the Russians who live in a giant apartment building a few blocks from my house. They all seem to have lived a great deal of their lives on farms and I know from my own apartment living how I missed growing flowers.
So if I notice a Russian lady walking by I drop my brush and rush outside with scissors and make a bouquet as fast as I can then run to catch up with her.
For winter deliveries I have to search long and hard for something to bouquet then I generally ran out of my loose fitting shoes trying to catch up. Each time I end up taking my shoes off so what the lady sees, when she turns around in response to my, “Hello”, is me panting, shoes in one hand flowers in the other, and my two socking feet. I get the point and laugh!  nancymauerman.com