Rule # 77 Never Go Into The Jungle At Night With Jewelry Believe it or not I heard this said on a documentary.

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“My mother needs the best gift in the world! I’m thinking diamonds, dinosaurs,a pony,or a shinny purple dress with green and silver balls hanging from the sleeves, gold fringe along the bottom and orange buttons down the front.” This was my concern as a child then I had to settle for buying her a handkerchief for lack of money. At opening time I was miserable because my gift was so inadequate but over and over Mom would say, “Its the thought that counts.”
As years piled up behind my gift giving I realized I can give two kinds of gifts. I can give something I believe the person or cat will like, or secondly I can think, “I couldn’t care less what they want; this is what I WANT TO GIVE them.”
Up to this year John has merged the two. I’ve worried about what he imposes on our loved ones. I’d try to be careful with my language and wonder out loud if the person will like it, be offended, or even be angry. He’d try to answer but he speaks another language and would, time and again finally say, “This is what I want to give. Plus they DO want it; They just don’t know it yet!”
I had no idea there was a third category! Leave it to John to overhaul gift giving!! “What don’t you want for Christmas?” he asked Anna. I’ve given you everything I’ve ever wanted to give you and I know if there’s something you really want you’ll go out and get it yourself. So what don’t you want for Christmas?”
I’m glad he didn’t ask me. Because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT SET OF WORDS MEANS!
But surprise, surprise, eight days later Anna, who must talk ‘John’ better then me, has an ANSWER!….
CATTLE PROD!!!!  nancymauerman.com

The Outsider picture below is called Madonna Up a Tree

I heard two political pundits say, “We disagree on most things but on let’s say we DO agree on one percent. We should celebrate and enjoy that one percent.’

That sounded right but felt wrong. Thinking about it I decided this it’s often true but not always. I told John, “We and Satan agree on about one percent also. We agree Jesus is the Christ. We shouldn’t celebrate Satan uses this fact to do evil.”

John said Christ and Satan also agreed on something: bread tastes better than rocks but Jesus Christ wouldn’t fall for it.  nancymauerman.com

Madonna Up a Tree – Framed

Brian stopped by and we offered him a safe chocolate, “Hey these are GOOD!” said Brian, “Where’d you get them?”
John pointed to the house next door. A few days ago John found a great buy on erasers so called our neighbor Matt who is a middle school math teacher, “Can you use erasers?” the answer; “Yea, sure could.”
John had also found a great price on 15 body pillows. He unloaded them into the house which made him happy as a song bird on a pile 63 peanut butter suet blocks piled up on the front lawn surrounded by an anti- cat cage with an opening on top too small for jays!
John gleefully called Matt again, Can you come over now?” The answer was no.
“Can’t come now, how about later?”
John’s world almost dropped out; he can never wait for Christmas let alone eraser delivery. In a sad but mysterious David Copperfield voice he said, “Can I put them through your mail slot?” Through the phone I could hear the resignation in Matt’s voice as he answered in the affirmative.
The only reason John didn’t break the sound barrier on his way over was that the distance was too short! He started pushing erasers through the mail slot and at about thirteen Matt pulled the door open saying, “OK, just gimmie the bag, just gimme the bag!” but John kept stuffing. It’s hard to turn that boy off but after awhilehe took pity.
Matt asked’ “How many are there anyway?”
“66!!!” John said.
“Why do you call these Safe Chocolates?” Brian asked.
I spoke up, “John puts them in the safe so I don’t eat them all!”  nancymauerman.com