Unless I open a box and in surprise find a tiara (which has only happened once in my life so far), my mind reacts badly to surprises.
John would say, “Want to go to Goodwill?” I think,”I’m writing well today, but I guess I can tear myself away for an hour, but then I want to get right back to work.” We get in the car and stop at the grocery, battery store, get gas, and then stop at a friend’s house ON THE WAY!
My fight or flight reactions kick in immediately upon pulling into the grocery store parking lot! Mostly it’s the FIGHT reaction which is filling my head with things like, “WRONG!” “BAD!” “YOU’RE KILLING ME!”
This is when my ‘precious’ gift of DEPRESSION kicks in. My reaction is in kill mode but the part of my mind that forms words is EXTREMELY delayed because I’m depressed. In two weeks time I will tell John how distressed I had been initially before I found out we’d stopped at the store to buy my favorite mints, met a lovely dog at the battery store, heard a great joke at the filling station, and felt cherished and loved at the friend’s house.
I suppose I panic when surprised because in survival mode I need to control the universe, but as a Buddhist Mormon I’m slowly learning to let go.