My Cat Is Hoping For A Triara

My cat, Formica Dinette Patrice Foxford Mauerman, taps me on the leg then leads me to OUR refrigerator. Formica already has dry cat food within reach, so I open the door and pull out her yummy, wet cat food, and with great fanfare I sever it. She eats neither the wet or dry but continues to ponder the closed refrigerator door as if she’s hoping to open it with her mind. I open the door and give her a sizable piece of my chicken, but still Formica doesn’t eat. She continues to stare at the closed refrigerator door.
My husband had a habit of waiting for the mail to come with a similar concentration. Finally he got on line and found a list if companies that sent catalogs. To everyone else in this world the catalogues were free, but John PAID to have them sent to him. He ordered regularly then all but held his breath waiting for PRESENTS to come. Sometimes he’d wait on the sidewalk in the afternoons waiting for the mailperson. Waiting for treasure became contagious although I was always disappointed when the boxes were opened! I’d peek in over John’s shoulder and see GUY STUFF.
When John died my anticipation for treasure did not. I feel a let down, I’m always completely without hope on no- mail holidays, and always disappointed when the mailperson leaves an occasional box of…cat treats. I realized, ‘What am I hoping for anyway?’ I decided I was dreaming of something girly- something- I don’t know what- I don’t know-perhaps a tiara! Finally a friend gave me a beautiful pink box on my birthday and inside was a…plastic tiara, so all I can conclude is that Formica stares at the refrigerator door hoping for the same!

Surprise- I’m Lucky To Be Depressed

Unless I open a box and in surprise find a tiara (which has only happened once in my life so far), my mind reacts badly to surprises.
John would say, “Want to go to Goodwill?” I think,”I’m writing well today, but I guess I can tear myself away for an hour, but then I want to get right back to work.” We get in the car and stop at the grocery, battery store, get gas, and then stop at a friend’s house ON THE WAY!
My fight or flight reactions kick in immediately upon pulling into the grocery store parking lot! Mostly it’s the FIGHT reaction which is filling my head with things like, “WRONG!” “BAD!” “YOU’RE KILLING ME!”
This is when my ‘precious’ gift of DEPRESSION kicks in. My reaction is in kill mode but the part of my mind that forms words is EXTREMELY delayed because I’m depressed. In two weeks time I will tell John how distressed I had been initially before I found out we’d stopped at the store to buy my favorite mints, met a lovely dog at the battery store, heard a great joke at the filling station, and felt cherished and loved at the friend’s house.
I suppose I panic when surprised because in survival mode I need to control the universe, but as a Buddhist Mormon I’m slowly learning to let go.