continued from page 1: Dr. Beavers, a local expert on pre European history, told us today little is known about Leafman from ancient lore except that he hates people and attempts to eliminate all of us. He suspects Leafman will send his vines in all directions, they will heap on top of each other, covering all houses and buildings, filling them inside, and also growing under everything cement, then quickly pulverizing it to dust.
The first sign, of Leafman’s entering your vicinity, may be a slight pleasant smell which will quickly change into an intensely noxious order, when this occurs you need to RUN! Anyone left in their home is doomed, and although there is no known enemy or way to stop Leafman’s invasion, the mayor and governor are discussing establishing a fact finding group. nancymauerman.com
Leafman did not talk to homeowners, or reporters, today but his intent is clear to anyone who sees him in action. He intends to consume and completely cover every building and non-friendly plant with his minions, turning every home into a giant mound of vines with extensive thorns.
An expert on Leafman, who has studied his violent history for years, called our reporters. He claims Leafman is a walking pile of stinking sticks and dying leafs and has come out of hiding again after hundreds of years and has stricken, first, a yard and home in North East Portland. A local television news crew was sent out almost immediately but not having background on the mysterious Leafman, failed to recognize or identify the threat. As a result two homes were almost immediately but completely covered by vines reaching two hundred feet into the sky.
For more on Leafman see page 32 or refer to a quickly developed series of books on Leafman Attacks found at Amazon, where the last book in the four part series, called Leafman Attacks 4: There Goes My Front Yard by Nancy Mauerman is offered for free as an E book for several days. nancymauerman.com
“John, can you help me?” He was timing himself on a number puzzle but didn’t complain and followed me into the house. I handed him tweezers and sat in a chair and bowed my head. He knew the tweezers meant splinters but didn’t understand the reverence I was showing to the subject until I said, “It’s on my head!”
“What?” he said.
“I’ve already pulled out about two inches but the end broke off.” I told him still holding my lowered head position.
He knew to operate first, ask questions later, but after the last quarter inch of raw wood was extracted I explained I’d run into the open beams in my closet again.
My closet is tucked under the sloping roof and isn’t quite as tall as I am along one side, and the beams make it even six inches shorter in several places, then the roof lowers into crawling height over storage items.
I should hang a bicycle helmet, ready for use, on my closet door. nancymauerman.com
I’m imagining a fat tube of my favorite foods six feet wide and taller than me as I stand up straight, by five feet. In side this beautifully transparent place are John-made turkey sandwiches, big chocolate chunk chocolate chip cookies, blueberry cup cakes from ‘His Bakery,’ seven kinds of doughnuts, fat dill pickles, fresh pineapple, and salted peanuts!
I’d only be half as pleased as my cats when John brings home a big bag of their food and fills two white plastic containers, stacked in the kitchen corner. This column of excellence isn’t transparent but Formica and Tesla know! They politely tap on my leg and walk me right in and tip their head at it, pointing. They rub their necks on it and jump up a bit and throw their arched backs against it and feel rich.
We also have columns of toys, floor to ceiling, for visiting children to tip out and explore Perhaps I’d rather have a tube of doughnuts only. They’d be beautiful as well as useful. nancymauerman.com
“Why are your feet muddy?” I asked john
“Because I was thinking about existentialism and stepped in a hole.”
You stepped in a hole because you were thinking?”
“No. I was chewing gum.” nancymauerman.com
I met a lovely lady while shopping today and complimented her on her bright lavender blouse and large crystal necklace, that sparkled and winked colors without her even moving. She thanked me for the complement, telling me she loves them although her gentleman friend doesn’t.
“If you ask him if he likes what you wear what dose he say?” I asked. “He just tells me I’m looking for a compliment.”
On the way to the car I told John her story remarking she appears to be the type of flamboyant person who often needs a great deal of positive attention.
John answered, ” I thought I was flamboyant.” which stopped me mid step as I imagined him in a elaborately knitted bright lavender shirt, which would NEVER happen because he only wears wild prints in various browns, calling them, “camouflage”. Then I quickly imagined him in a brilliant wind breaker instead of his eternal hunting camo printed coat, with threadbare sleeves. What used to be the bottom hangs its strings, hangs down three inches. I have to watch it or I’ll break out singing,’ Davy, Davy Crockett.’ I though perhaps he thinks the fringed bottom and sleeves are flamboyant until he said, “but it was just gas.” nancymauerman.com
I live in Portland, Oregon which is basically a rain forest and known to be soggy all winter. The above statement was mentioned on the local news . But the main article generated more conversation. They discussed it every which way, in detail, with modifications and speculation, and again every half hour and with spectacular animation. The subject?: it RAINED! May I remind you I live in Portland? nancymauerman.com
My two cats’ favorite toy is an ancient ladder. John and I move from place to place in the house to make it new. Yesterday, Tesla, my black cat sat at the very top most of his waking hours, looking straight up into the sky light as the heavy rain pounds down. After a nap he bounced up the ladder; no rain! So he turned to me an asked me to turn it on.
The cats have a certain way of making a sound that says they want something and because I’m too dense to understand cat I say, “Show me.” They walk me over to a toy or food bowl, sometime toss their head at it and talk again or just wait. Tesla sat atop the ladder for an hour and politely asking for help and pointed his nose up and never loosing faith I’d eventually catch on.
Then John announced, “I’m the center of the universe again! Every time I blink all the lights go out!
Very deep on many levels! I’m reminded of a Zen Koan, “When the Many are reduced to One, to what is the One reduced?” And anyone who can take himself serious enough to not take himself serious, like John, is getting close to being one of those child- people Christ was talking about. nancymauerman.com
A squirrel visits my yard occasionally with no hair on his tail. What’s left looks like a very fine sightly bent wire. A brother squirrel lives above my house in a tree and digs my bonsai out of their pots and leaves them on the ground as he plants his filbert nuts. Last week something got a hold of my pesky friend and now he’s bob tailed!
These modified animals remind me of odd animals, oddnimals, that the Grandfather sews together in the story, Gracie’s Grandfather Makes Trouble. A picture of this year’s oddnimals comes tomorrow’s blog. nancymauerman.com